What's New: The Widow's Walk

My last newsletter appeared in mid-February. I had just rolled out the revamp of the website with great excitement. New fonts, new categories, new look. What once was so important has little meaning at this moment. The category of What's New fills me with sadness as I think of the only things that are new in my life: my husband's death, grief, paperwork. Yet there is one shining light: two new grandbabies born.

I reluctantly joined the Widows Club on June 13 of this year when my husband John died from a rare and aggressive form of thyroid cancer after living with a rare and aggressive form of prostate cancer since 2021. My summer filled quickly with the practicalities of life. We knew that someday John would no longer be here to manage all the things a seasoned project manager in the construction industry will do. In this school of "what happens when you spouse dies" I've learned so many things. Here's a list, you might look at them as: What I did on my summer vacation.

1. Speak up for myself, learn the word no.

2. Skunk spray can ruin more than just the dog, the rugs, upholstery, your need to wallow in your sorrow.

3. Fill sinks to the brim with water once a week to insure drains don't clog.

4. Don't be quick to judge the plumber or the H.V.A.C. guy.

5. Learn to negotiate.

6. Erase that 'S' from your chest. No red cape is necessary.

7. Trust but verify (a John-ism)

8. I used the words 'I' and 'fragile' in the same sentence recently.

9. No one needs to know you are just going through the motions.

10. Steer clear of those who tilt their heads in a certain way and ask, "How are you doing?" If they didn't show up when you needed them most they won't get where your now, no matter how well-intentioned the sentiment.

My list grows every day but today I'm learning to live in a new normal, one where John's energy exists without his physical presence. More on that later.

Client Focus

In the past two weeks, I have signed two new clients, actually they signed me. John had three goals when we learned his diagnosis of an inoperable tumor on his thyroid:

1. Retire in July, He made it to a great retirement party on May 31.

2. Take a trip to Canada with me. I went alone.

3. Hold grandbabies due in early October.

John was always goal-oriented, but his body didn't agree with the timeline.

On September 18, Riley John Neyer was born to our son Jason and his wife Kendall. On September 25, Susanna (Sunny) June was born to our other son Wayne and his wife Courtney, giving Eloise a new sister.

I have a new focus on these two little clients to give them the absolute best part of their Papa, his spirit, liveliness, and humor. It has been bittersweet but their lives give me purpose.

And yet, I am also resuming a limited schedule of clients for the rest of the year.

The Bookshelf

For months my reading was consumed with medical records, brochures from doctors' offices, and signs in hospitals. It left little time for anything else.

When John died, I picked up The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes. The book was recommended by a friend shortly after my return from a sweet traditional bed and breakfast inn located in central Kentucky called Snug Hollow https://snughollow.com/ . If you are looking for a quiet place to recharge, this is a beautiful place. The book was written at Snug Hollow, and as I made my way through it I was reminded once more of the history of our beloved Kentucky.

I spent a week there after John's memorial celebration. If you missed it, many have complimented the beauty of the service. You can view it here: https://private.memoryshare.com/memoryshare/video/john-neyer-8067586 .

Having lived through the Vietnam War as a weird kid who was clued into what was happening in the war, I picked up The Women by Kristen Hannah. I started reading it at bedtime but found it too disturbing for falling asleep type of reading. It's now a daytime read that should not be missed. The history of that time is rarely told through a woman's eyes. Not many of us know of women who served during the war and what they brought home with them.

For lighter reading, when pouring over documents to change accounts out of John's name to mine, or attempting to understand what is going on in the Middle East through the NY Times, I'm readying Less is Lost by Andrew Sean Greer. It's a light-hearted journey across the U.S. Greer has a quirky way of writing not unlike David Sedaris.

My bedside table has a couple of Ken Follett books on it. While not my forte, John craved anything by Follett. I want to get a better sense of my husband, and reading what he read may help. My understanding of the man I have lived with for 24 years, shared a family with, and built a life together, is best serve to further understand him through his legacy.

100 Word Stories

During the fray of caring for my husband, I have misplaced several 100 Word Stories that were deposited in the box outside my home. They are around here somewhere. When I find them, I'll reignite this part of the newsletter.

Writing Circles.

Gugel Alley Writers has continued to feed me. When life has felt as if there is no reason to go on, I show up on a Wednesday morning and write with a group of glorious individuals who have supported me through the last months in all my fragility.

On a hot August night, we conducted a public reading. I had written an essay about my dog, Nutmeg's encounter with a skunk shortly after returning from Snug Hollow. During the course of my reading, at a particular point, a loud BOOM! occurred. Forty-five people and I were dumbstruck by the occurrence. I swear John was there, so did others in the crowd. We later learned that a squirrel had chewed through the power line and blew a transformer. But right at that moment? I don't know.

Published Works

I stepped back from pursuing publishing after two pieces appeared in April and June. One in Kentucky Monthly you can read here: http://www.kentuckymonthly.com/culture/arts-entertainment/finding-focus/

The other is in Soapbox media, an online magazine: https://www.soapboxmedia.com/devnews/i-imagine-photography-education.aspx I continue to work on a book-length project that is in edits. The magazines I've been working with are very understanding of my predicament and I know I'll return to them when things are better.

Pilgrimage

As I write this, another group of pilgrims is making its way through the streets of Rome. While I made the decision months ago not to go for obvious reasons, I am finding my spirit wants to be there with them.

Perhaps next fall.

Final Thoughts

This new club is exclusive. I don't really recommend to anyone, but it's where I am today. My dogs and I are finding John throughout the house. He keeps knocking pictures of grandkids off the stairwell wall. And each time he does, I know it is a sign that he is with us all.

I've suffered all but God-Forbid the loss of a child. My writing is laced with the understanding of what it means to live with loss and find joy when and how its possible.